I Watch the Video Music Awards so you don't have to.

This year's Video Music Awards are in Miami and the artists are arriving by boat on a dressed-up dock. How old is Kurt Loder exactly? The other host of the pre-show, Su Chin Pak, actually seems to have a brain in her head. I haven't seen many of these videos because MTV and VH1 only show them anymore at 5 a.m. and I can only watch when I have insomnia.

Adorable Will Smith is on the red carpet. He is decked out in Phillies gear. Love him. "I just saw Shaq," Will says. "He lost a ton of weight!"

There is P.Diddy, in a white suit and a weird cropped Mohawk. Look! There is Al Sharpton! (Why is he there?)

Jay Z arrives, also in a white suit, and a straw Panama hat.

Somebody needs to explain to me the rap fashion trend of guys wearing huge white t-shirts over baggy shorts. That is what I wear when I am bloated and I am not considered hip then.

Beyonce is wearing gold lame hot pants and a boob-exposing jacket. I think she has on a blonde wig. Destiny's Child is back in the studio, she reports.

Jennifer Lopez opens the show. She is dressed in a huge brown hat and a brown, leather-ish handkerchief dress. Don't like it. She introduces Usher. It is raining on Usher. Won't this electrocute him as he sings? Oh the rain is so he can get wet and then take off his shirt. Usher uses a microphone stand to break a window. Now it is Ludacris with Usher. And Usher again, in a white suit.

People are dangling from the ceiling. There are fires on stage. This must be to dry off Usher. Now it is Shaq and Will Smith. Shaq is a lard butt, I don't care what anyone says.

The Best Pop Video goes to No Doubt for "It's My Life," in which she kills off all her husbands. I like the song and video and the red flowers in Gwen Stefani's hair.

Jay Z wins an award for "99 Problems," a song I like and my friend Tina hates. "What up B?" he says to Beyonce. She is supposedly his girlfriend although they keep it on the "down low." I guess "What up B?" is as close to a declaration of public love that Jay Z gets.

ARGH! It is Hoobastank singing that song I hate!! And they are off-key!!!

Okay, I am bored. Now I have switched over to the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. People are holding giant pinwheels, fishing nets and there is a parade of vacationers holding inflatable beach toys.