My Oscar diary

Pre-Show: (Sorry the spacing is wacky on this blog lately. Sometimes it is fine. Move the page all the way to the right to get the whole thing.)

Billy Bush is a tool.

Halle Berry is asked what advice she can give us, the viewing public, about choosing the right Oscar gown. She tells us it is important to "know your body." Yes, this is useful, since I attend SO many black-tie award ceremonies.

Scarlett Johannsen looks lovely in an off-the-shoulder black dress, which makes her waist look tiny. Yet she informs us, "I can hardly breathe." Eek.

Commercials. This Oscar ceremony is brought to us by Pepsi and American Express.

8:30 p.m. The show starts! I am wondering if Chris Rock will be funny and hoping he does well.

He gets a nice round of applause. "Sit yo asses down!" he yells at them. Heh, this will be good. Oh my, he is naming actual actors and actresses and filsm. He is merciless. Hee.

"There are four stars here, and the rest are popular people," he says.

Clint Eastwood is a star, according to Chris Rock. Tobey Maguire is not.

"Who is Jude Law and why is he in every movie I've seen in the past four years?"

Now Halle Berry is presenting an award. I like her straightened hair.

Renee Zellwegger has dark hair and a pretty red dress, but I don't like the way it gets tight at the bottom. You know what? Both Halle and Renee are beautiful, thin and Academy Award winners. Yet they are both unlucky in love. I feel better about myself.

Oooh, Morgan Freeman wins for Best Supporting Actor. Hurray! He was most excellent in "Million Dollar Baby." He is so cool. His acceptance speech is short and sweet, since he thanks "anybody and everybody" who had anything to do with the making of this movie.

The Incredibles wins for Best Animated Movie. Robin Williams introduces the award. He was supposed to sing a funny song about SpongeBob SquarePants but they made him cut it.

Cate Blanchett is now in the audience, handing out the award for Best Makeup. The winner gets to walk, all the way....to a microphone in the middle of the audience. Ooh.

Drew Barrymore has dark hair. Don't like it.

Beyonce is singing one of the nominated songs, backed up by a Frenchchildren's choir. She is good, but I would prefer just to hear the children's choir.

9:12 p.m. Oops. Some man just got caught talking to Chris Rock at the commercial break and ran off-stage.

Chris Rock does a funny bit in which he interviews real movie-goers and asks them if they have seen any of the nominated high-falutin' films. They have not. However, most have seen "White Chicks."

Best Supporting Actress Cate Blanchett wins for "The Aviator." I like the color yellow of her dress but my friend Catherine thinks it makes her look washed out. Cate thanks director Martin Scorcese. "I hope my son will marry your daughter," she says. I hope his daughter is not 55.

Best Adapted Screenplay. Yea! The writers from "Sideways" win!

Al Pacino is introducing an award for Sidney Lumet. He needs a comb. Al, not Sidney. I would still have sex with him. Al, not Sidney.

Beyonce is singing AGAIN. Is she going to sing ALL the Oscar-nominated songs? She looks pretty though, in a long black gown.

Chris Rock introductes that "comedy superstar" Jeremy Irons. He is a good sport. "It is so good to be recognized at last."

10:12 p.m. Laura Linney is wandering in the audience, handing out an award. Her eye-makeup is very dramatic. But I do not like her slicked-back hair. Too severe.

10:23 p.m. Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz, both of whom have heavy Spanish accents, are presenting the award for Best Sound. Is this a joke?

Surprise! Beyonce is NOT going to sing the next song. Antonio Banderas is. Yes. He is slapping his thigh. He is looking hot in a white shirt. More of this! (Although he could use a hair wash. A small detail.)

10:51 p.m. It is the calvalcade of dead stars, accompanied by music from Yo Yo Ma.

10:58 p.m. Sean "Puffy/PDiddy" Combs is introducing the next award for Best Song., "Believe." What a surprise! Beyonce is singing this song, along with Josh Groban.

Best Actress goes to Hillary Swank. She is wearing a high-necked blue gown. THIS time, she remembers to thank her husband, Chad Lowe. (I interviewed Chad Lowe in 1988 when I was Entertainment Editor of my college newspaper. Just an aside. I thought he was cute.)

"I don't know what I did in this life to deserve all this," Hillary says. "I'm just a girl from a trailer park, with a dream."

Sean Penn presents an award and gets all snippy about Jude Law. He LIKES Jude Law, darn it.

Best Actor goes to Jamie Foxx, as expected. He does that "Hey, Oh" thing with the audience and gets all teary again about his grandmother. This time, though, he mentions that his grandmother used to beat him. Oh my.

Julia Roberts is the presenter for Best Director. First, she wishes Marva a Happy Birthday. Whoever that is. Clint Eastwood wins. He thanks his 96-year-old mother. Wow.

Best Movie goes to........"Million Dollar Baby." Good movie. Except for that whole euthanasia subplot.

Chris Rock says goodnight and that he loved hosting the show. Amen.