Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Funny crime blotter

I came across this funny crime blotter in the Charleston City Paper when I was visiting the city last month. It made me laugh. Out loud. Ha Ha!

* Blotter Drunk O’The Week: The man who was seen by police last Monday on State Street “stumbling over City sidewalks several times, crawling across the sidewalk, and then lay [sic] across the sidewalk where he urinated on himself.”

* Two Saturdays ago, a man told cops that he stopped in at a Meeting Street kwikgegmart to ask if the clerk would swap two quarters for the same amount in smaller change. After the clerk told him he had no time for him and to get out of the store, the man pointed out that he didn’t need “to be an asshole about it.” Enraged, the clerk came around the counter and held the man at bay in the store for 20 minutes, saying he would show him what being an asshole was like. The clerk told cops roughly the same story, but said the man was also trying to make off with a $1.99 tin of smoked oysters.

* Blotter Jailhouse Overheard Quote O’The Week: “I’ll help any child whose momma is a teacher.”

* A man was arrested at a Sam Ritt discount department store last week for attempting to steal $150 of Phat Farm clothes. If convicted, he could soon be sporting Work Pharm clothes.

* A Mills Street woman called police last week after she discovered a suspicious looking plastic bag with a cylindrical canister hanging from the handle of a hallway door of her home. With the package was a nearly unreadable note including the phrases, “get C.C., smear of products. It wasn’t there when I bought people. It Housins is still playing. Is come in after I had locks change.”

* Police stopped a 16 year-old Monday morning at the corner of Mary and Meeting streets. During a search of the car, police found a bottle filled with 49 unknown pills. Presumably, the 50th one was a stupid pill, as the kid was driving solo with only a beginner’s license.

* A State Street art gallery owner called police last Monday to report having received a series of threatening phone calls. Imagine her terror when she was told the calls were coming FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE! No, seriously, cops traced the calls to the gallery where two kids, ages 12 and 13, had been “playing with the phone.” The boys’ mother promised police that she would “discipline the children.”

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