Once there was a sweet girl named Kathy. She had long, dark hair and a charming smile. But she also had tummy troubles. So she went to the doctor for a checkup and he decided she needed tests...more tests...many more tests. While she hoped these were like the kind she used in school, to her surprise she found these tests involved needles and tubes and other ghastly things. So her mommy came to take her to the doctor for one of these tests that involved tubes and needles and other ghastly things. She was very brave.
She comes from a long line of small-veined people..a people who show their distaste for tubes and needles and other ghastly things by having veins that refuse to allow needles to be placed in them. But alas, alak, the hospital people were persistent. They tied her arm with a blue band; they slapped her arm; they slapped her wrist; they poked; they prodded; they made those noises that hospital people make when something is difficult to do. Finally, as Kathy's arm hung to the ground, the nurse sat on the floor and found a way to stick her wrist with a needle. Even though she was very brave, Kathy started to look a little gray and green.
Her mommy suggested they give her drugs...now. The nurse brought the doctor in to give her drugs...now. The doctor asked what kind she wanted. She suggested crack. Since he didn't have crack, he gave her other good drugs "to relax her." Her eyes tried to close. She kept opening them, saying she had to watch what was going on. Her mommy told her there was nothing going on. While her eyes started to try to close more persistently, her mouth became active. She began to quietly babble. She babbled about how these drugs would be good to have on a bad date...with a guy who would start to talk about his ex- girlfriend. This made everyone laugh and a discussion followed among the staff about the quality of today's men. She also asked for lipo-suction. Another discussion followed among the staff. Soon it was time for her mommy to go back to the waiting room.
Soon, the nurse came to say that Kathy was finished. When her mommy went back to the pre-op room, Kathy was "standing", wearing her fine looking paper gown, hat and boots. She leaned when she stood and when she shuffled to the locker room. She swayed when she stood in the doorway. She leaned and swayed and babbled while her mommy tried to get her to sit down. Off came the hat and boots. The gown was trickier. She was sitting on it. She slide down the chair. Her mommy tugged and tugged and finally ripped most of the gown out from under her. On went her sweater and shoes.
Her mommy said, "don't move. I'm going to run across the hall to the restroom." Her mommy peed very quickly...but not quick enough. When she returned, Kathy had already gotten into her mommy's purse, taken out the phone and was babbling about calling her sister. The phone was taken, placed in the handbag, and off we went to talk to the doctor..who didn't seem to realize that Kathy was loopy. He gave her test results, showed her pictures of her insides, chatted and made jokes. She acted as if she understood...but really..she was still loopy.
On went the hat, coat, gloves and out into the snow we went. Despite urgings from mommy, she insisted on walking to the car..in the snow, babbling about wanting something from McDonald's. Off we went to McDonald's where her mommy ordered 2 cheeseburgers (1 for mommy and 1 for Kathy), 1 large fries, and 1 soda. Her good directional brain clicked in as the munching began, and she guided mommy and the car through the snow to home. She continued to talk about wanting to call Jenny.
Up the steps to the apartment she went. Off came the hat, coat and boots. More munching continued. Mommy went to get the mail. When she returned Kathy was on the phone with Jenny. Let's just say they each had a different recollection of the conversation. One thought the conversation was quite lucid...the other...well, let's just say she thought the conversation had some long pauses and more than a few non-sequitors. The munching continued...with mommy's sandwich also being consumed.
Finally, off she toddled to bed where she fell into a coma for 3 hours. Before she went off to dreamland, she said that since this test wasn't so bad, perhaps now she would have a colonoscopy. Her mommy can hardly wait.