(In which we learn that it is hard out there for a pimp, but not for George Clooney.)
Oh the joy and anticipation of seeing my Fantasy Boyfriend, George Clooney, at the Oscars. I am very, very proud of him as well as happy that his movie, "Good Night and Good Luck" is so good and has received so much praise. My 78-year-old father has finally stopped talking about Ben Affleck as a possible suitor for me (good thing since Ben is now married) and realizes my deep love for George Clooney. But Dad heard George say on the Barbara Walters interview that he never wants to get married again. This troubles Dad. It does not trouble me. I do not wish to MARRY George. Wink, wink.
Felicity Huffman is being interviewed. She is being shown video of her "Desperate Housewives" cast mates wishing her luck, and calling her Flicka (?!?) This makes her cry. "Oh my God! My makeup," she weeps.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman is interviewed. He never read any of Truman Capote's works till after he got the part in "Capote." Blasphemy.
Billy Bush. Is. Such. A. Tool. He should shut up, shut up, shut up. Billy Bush is asking the very serious and cerebral actor David Straithairn whether he considers himself a "star." Straithairn takes a minute to answer. "No," he said. "No." And for emphasis, "No."
I am officially tired of hearing "Brokeback Mountain" referred to as a "cultural phenomenon." I get it, I get it.
KEEP BILLY BUSH AWAY FROM THE CELEBRITIES INSIDE THE THEATER!!!
Diet Coke is sponsoring the Oscars this year. I wish it were C2 cola. I love C2 and can no longer find it anywhere!!!!! Mourn with me. Oh, the show is starting.
A funny sketch about all the previous hosts and why they aren't hosting the show this year. Billy Crystal is sharing a "special" moment with Chris Rock in a tent. Hee! Jon Stewart is dreaming and is in bed with Halle Berry. NOW HE IS IN BED WITH GEORGE CLOONEY!!!! AIIIIEEEEEE! Hyperventilating. Jealous. Projecting. Hee.
Jon starts the show. I love him (but in a different way than George).
"Ladies, gentlemen, Felicity," Stewart cracks, in a joke about Huffman in "Transamerica." Stewart urges us all to celebrate excellence in film "with me, the fourth male lead in 'Death to Smoochy'."
The camera flashes to Charlize Theron who is NOT smiling, perhaps because of the enormous black bow butterfly-thing sticking up on her left shoulder.
Stewart makes a shout-out to George Clooney, quipping that "Good Night and Good Luck" is how George ends all his dates. Hee. Then a Dick Cheney and Bjork joke.
Best Supporting Actor goes to..... GEORGE CLOONEY!!!! Pandemonium! Shrieking! Hysteria! All in my own head and apartment!!!!!!!! Nicole Kidman presents him with the award. She is very blonde and looks good. Remember they starred together in "The Peacemaker." George quips that he guesses he is "not going to win Best Director." Oh George! There is music playing while he speaks. Shut up, music! George talks about movies of importance and how Hollywood has shines a light on subjects like AIDS and Civil Rights. He is very smart. Good speech. He is elegant and well-behaved and looks marvy in his tux.
Stewart is back on. That Oscar, he said, "is the kind of thing that can get a fellow laid."
Ben Stiller is now in a green unitard to present the Special Effects award. He does NOT look good in the unitard but it is funny.
Why is Jennifer Lopez at the Oscars? Did I miss something? I liked "Out of Sight" (also with George Clooney) but that was a lot of years ago.
Naomi Watts admires Dolly Parton and introduces her.
Jennifer Aniston presents the award for Best Costume Design. She looks GREAT and is wearing a fabulous black chiffon gown. Take THAT, Brad.
I am now officially bored and am flipping between the Oscars and "Napoleon Dynamite."
The lovely and pregnant Rachel Weisz wins Best Supporting Actress. Morgan Freeman, a.k.a. the voice of God, presents her with the award. More music while she gives her acceptance speech. Annoying music!
A video spoof on campaign ads for the Best Actress category, like they are local politicians. Very funny.
Flames, smoke, dancing, singing. People moving in slow motion. A man carries a child. Oh, it is the song from "Crash." How I long for the days of Rob Lowe and Snow White performing "Proud Mary."
Crowd shot. Oh no. Jack Nicholson is sitting next to Keira Knightley! No! He will sully her! Stay away!
Violin virtuoso Itzhak Perlman (sp?) performs selections from the nominated music for Best Original Score.
More filler! Another montage, this time of "epic" movies. What the heck are "Mary Poppins" and "Grease" doing in there?
Rappers perform "It's Hard Out There For A Pimp" from the movie "Hustle and Flow." Hee! Rap at the Oscars! I am enjoying this. Now the song is in my head. Queen Latifah gives out the award for Best Original Song. It goes to "It's Hard Out There for a Pimp!!" The rappers are really excited. It is sweet.
"You know what? I think it just got a little easier out there for a pimp," Stewart quips.
Jennifer Garner, with her post-pregnancy breasts, presents an award for Best Sound Editing. She is fiddling with her dress.
SHRIEK!!! George Clooney is on again! He is introducing the montage (bleh) of clips about people who died this year. He is good, but he deserves to present some OTHER award. He is the future, not the past.
Hilary Swank presents the Best Actor award. She looks stunning in a strapless black dress. (I once interviewed her husband, Chad Lowe. Just an aside.) The flash on the nominees. Why does Heath Ledger have a cheesy moustache these days?? Again, why is Jennifer Lopez at the Oscars???
Philip Seymour Hoffman wins. No surprise. He was good.
"I'm overwhelmed. I'm really overwhelmed," he said. Then he thanks his friends, his friends, his friends - whom he loves, he loves, he loves.
John Travolta presents Best Cinematographer. Sigh. Get to the good awards already! (I'm sure the guy who won Best Cinematographer thought the award was good, but we, the viewing public, did not.)
Jamie Foxx presents the Best Actress award. Charlize Theron does NOT look happy. She should just rip off that bow, already.
Reese Witherspoon wins. Her dress is silver with beading. She is "just trying to matter."
See? This show could have been LOTS shorter if they had just cut out the stupid montages.
Dustin Hoffman, in an elegant tux, presents one of the Best Screenplay awards. It goes to Diana Ossana and Larry McMurtry (who is wearing jeans) for "Brokeback Mountain," adapted from the Annie Proulx story.
McMurtry praises books. Yea books. Ossana tells us that "the duty of art is to send light into the darkness of men's hearts." Yea light.
Uma Thurman is the presenter for Best Original Screenplay. I can't tell if her dress is cream, pink or peach. Darn lights. George Clooney is nominated again!!!!!! Sigh. He loses to the writers of "Crash." That was a good movie. Everyone go see it.
The writer/director, Paul Haggis (named after a disgusting Scottish breakfast food) says that "art is a hammer." I am learning so much about art tonight. The second winner doesn't get a chance to say ANYTHING. Why do they shove all the good awards to the end? THESE are the ones I want to hear speeches for.
Tom Hanks and his "DaVinci Code" head of hair present the Best Director award. Will George win?????? Nah. It goes to Ang Lee for "Brokeback Mountain." He thanks people in Taiwan and the characters of Ennis and Jack.
Jack Nicholson, in his sunglasses, presents the award for Best Picture. He kind of wanders off - literally - while reading the names of the nominees. Come on back., Jack. And the Oscar goes to........"Crash." Wow. An upset. But a good movie. Did I tell you all to go see it? You should. It makes you think, but in a good way.
The End. Good Night and Good Luck.
If you want to read more about the Oscars, check out my friend Maureen's blog. She drank a lot of coffee while writing her blog, so she has more detail than me. And of course E!Online is one of the best websites for dish, dirt and photos.