Friday, June 24, 2005

Tom Cruise is the Scary Flaming Eye from "Lord of the Rings"

This is an excerpt from a brilliant 2002 article in Salon ( by Cintra Wilson about the scariness of Tom Cruise at the 2002 Oscars. Oh, how relevant this article is today, especially after Tom's weird on-air spat with Matt Lauer.

Remember people, Tom KNOWS about psychiatry. And Matt Lauer? Does. Not. So there.

From the article:

"I must warn the world about Tom Cruise. I feel he is an utterly terrifying Superior Life Form, with the power to melt heads and braid spines. His eyes are as hard, shiny and brutally penetrating as diamond drill-bits. The new braces on his teeth suggest that he is erasing all that remained of his tiny imperfections, and he is now metamorphosing into Ultra Super Perfection Man 3000. I fear his intense, mind-beating politeness, his titanium imperviousness to human weakness, his barking power-laugh.

"Movies make a little bit of magic touch our lives," he commanded us to acknowledge, with steely resolve and Mach-5 mega-humorlessness.

People in the audience started laughing, until they realized that Tom was Not Being Funny At All. He was chosen to frankly address the post-Sept. 11 whither-the-Oscars conundrum head-on.

"Should we celebrate the magic the movies bring? Now?" Tom asked, his eyes boring into the eyes of the TV multitudes and implanting rays of total domination.

"Dare I say it?"

He flashed a smirk with his robotically flawless teeth.

"More than EVER," he hissed, laying on his most Extreme Scientological Unction.

He had been commanded by the Elders to Obi-Wan-Kenobi-ize the audience into rebelieving in the importance of the obscenely superfluous Oscars. Tom Cruise is becoming the Scary Flaming Eye from "The Lord of the Rings," and I fear that nobody can stop him.

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