Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Britney and Kevin are "Chaotic."

And they made my head hurt.


Brit and KFed debuted their reality television show tonight. I watched and have lost brain cells because of it. As my fans know, I am intrigued with most things pop culture including Brit and her dog, Bit Bit. And her baby in utero. And her husband, who wore a sweatsuit proclaiming him a "Pimp Daddy" after their wedding. Classy!

However, this show made me lose precious brain cells and on top of that, the shaky camera work made me a bit dizzy. I will recount to you now, various details from the premiere episode of "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic."

She asks: "Can you handle my truth?"

I answer: "No."

Britney is perhaps the worst handi-cam operator ever. She can't figure out how to zoom, her hand is always shaking and sometimes the camera is sideways. Thank God someone on her staff had the forethought to splice in concert footage and interviews of Brit. Otherwise, we would have been left with: Brit making pig noses. Yes, our little Southern gal has a penchant for sticking her figure on her nose, turning it up and filming herself.

In another scene, she focuses on two blue lumps.

"They look like boobs, but they're not," Brit tells us. "They're my knees!"

Brit says she was lonely in her huge London hotel suite whilst on tour in Europe so she invited Kevin Federline, a.k.a. KFed, whom she had known exactly FIVE DAYS. Yes, fans, FIVE DAYS.

Before KFed arrives from LA, Brit decides to interview everyone on her staff about their thoughts on love, marriage and commitment.

"I don't believe in marriage either," Brit tells her hairdresser. "I was married, but that was a different story." (Referring to her 54 hour marriage in Vegas.)

Oh, the beautiful irony! In just five more minutes of shaky camera footage we will see how wrong our Britney was! She DOES find marriage after all!

More shots up Britney's nose.

Brit informs us that she has been hurt before. She is a Bitter Betty.

There is lots of footage of Brit getting her makeup done. She extols the virtues of glitter eyeshadow.

Concert footage of her dancing and lip-syncing.

KFed shows up. Her bodyguard does not like the looks of him. Smart man. Within two days, Brit and KFed have consummated their love. Three times. In one day. Yes! She informs her personal assistant, Felicia, and by proxy, we the viewing public, about her carnal adventures whilst she runs on the treadmill. Meaning she TELLS us all about sex while running on the treadmill. She didn't HAVE sex on the treadmill.

At least I don't think so.

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